I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
