You smell like stripper and shame
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
