oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
