So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
