If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
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