the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
