I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
