I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
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