Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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