It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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