I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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