This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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