my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
