Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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