It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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