My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize