life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Randomize
