I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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