I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
