Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
