Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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