im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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