so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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