i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i drank out of a bidet.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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