I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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