like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
