xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
