i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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