I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize