Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
