she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Randomize
