I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
