I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
