i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
