We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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