No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
wanna go halves on a baby?
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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