When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
