Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
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