My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
