how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
