Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I have post one night stand depression
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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