WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Someone shit on the floor
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
