The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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