i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
