the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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