I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize