i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Randomize
