Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
