this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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