he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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