You're my little dorito
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
