My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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