god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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