I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
