It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
