every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
