Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
